The Left Hand, Right Hand Syndrome

That time of the year when the daughter is jumping up and down wanting a phone upgrade ... and of course it's got nothing to do with the new designs on offer! "Dad – it’s got nothing to do with the look of the phone ... it just the one I’ve got doesn’t work properly" says Pinnochio.

Anyway I digress …

This conversation has been prompted by a text to my daughter's phone (not me the 'owner' ... tut tut !!) saying she's eligible for an upgrade. So imagine my surprise ... OK my dismay, when "the computer, it says No" (aka T-Mobile website). Christ it's like a script from Little Britain!

Or in this day and age of multiple touchpoints, let's call it the 'Left Hand, Right Hand Syndrome'.

So already slightly on edge, I phone the customer 'services' line. They say: "cos you’re such a great customer, we’d be happy to upgrade the phone and change the tariff" … OK, so obviously talking to the left hand which is turning out to be nice and friendly. Also I'll get the turbo charged memory card that's on offer on the site.

Package arrives next day, but no memory card … Now, I was going to let it drop but then pride kicked in: let’s face it, little worse in life than Dad failing in the eyes of a daughter.

So back on the phone ... it's the dreaded right hand: “No sir, you’re not eligible for the memory card – that’s an internet offer only”.

Some gnashing of teeth: “I was offered this yesterday by one of your colleagues” says me.

“Nothing I can do sir, it’s an internet only deal” says right hand.

Handset finds its way somewhat forcefully back onto the receiver and I start doing a version of a psychotic raindance. Anyway, back onto their site and send off e-mail asking them quite politely:

“Are you mad? I've spent over £1,000 with you lot and you're quibbling about something that'll cost you c. £2!!".

Obviously there is no indicator whether this has been dleivered to the left or the right hand!

In the meantime, go and buy a memory card from T-mobile site – they can always rebate the cost if the e-mail arrives in the left hand's inbox.

The sky is black with hats: it’s left hand sending an e-mail:

”Terribly sorry, you’re wonderful (OK, a bit of poetic license there), memory card in the post”.

Now I have 2 memory cards with the one I bought being credited so I seem to have got a free card … so all’s well that ends well.

A couple of thoughts (for those companies suffering from this syndrome which will be a fair few)

Some brands seem to think that customers only use one channel, never two … or can’t be bothered with those of us who do. Don’t make it difficult for us ‘cos you’ll lose … get some buzz metrics in place and you’ll see lots of people like me ranting, reviewing and scoring … and guess what: others are more likely to listen to me than you, Mr Brand Manager.

If it's too expensive for a single customer view, then for the love of a good curry, please recognise your most meaningful punters and get a dedicated retention team in place so we can get a nice big warm feeling … after all in today's day and age: it’s all about me, me, me.